Life Purpose and Values

It’s been years since I last updated my life purpose statement and list of values. The last time was around 2005. My life has changed tremendously since then, and I’ve fallen out of sync with the old versions, so I invested some time this week in soul searching and introspecting to update these items.

The new life purpose statement I created is:

to care deeply, connect playfully, love intensely, and share generously;
to joyfully explore, learn, grow, and prosper;
and to creatively, brilliantly, and honorably serve the highest good of all.

I may continue to tweak this over time, but overall I feel it does a good job of encapsulating what’s important to me in life.

A life purpose statement is a very personal thing, so when you read someone else’s life purpose, it won’t necessarily mean much to you, but it has a special significance to the person who created it.

If you want help crafting your own life purpose statement, a good place to start is the article How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes. If you have a copy of my book Personal Development for Smart People, you’ll find an updated version of this process along with some additional tips in the Career chapter in Part II.

My new values list, in order of priority, is:

Caring (compassion, kindness, generosity)Oneness (unconditional love, connectedness, harmony)Devotion (passion, loyalty, intensity)Intimacy (honesty, openness, sharing)Exploration (curiosity, learning, adventure)Brilliance (genius, creativity, style)Honor (humility, gratitude, class)Playfulness (fun, humor, play)Prosperity (abundance, richness, wealth)

I found it easiest to clarify and then prioritize my values first, and then I used that list to help craft my life purpose statement. It took hours to clarify my values list, but once that was done, it took less than 30 minutes to come up with the new purpose statement.

Creating this list gave me some fresh insights about what’s most important to me.

The first 3 values (caring, oneness, devotion) involve creating a strong core of love, support, and connectedness. These values help align me with the principle of Love. When these values are fulfilled, I feel very happy and inspired, which is a great foundation for a purpose-driven life.

The next 2 values (intimacy and exploration) help me align with the principle of Truth. Once I have a strong base of Love, I’m motivated to reach out, share, and learn.

The 6th value (brilliance) is about expressing myself creatively. What unique value can I contribute to others? What’s the very best I have to share?

The last 3 values (honor, playfulness, prosperity) are about how I wish to enjoy and experience the game of life.

I was amazed to see how much my core values have changed. This is a very different list than any I’ve created in the past 20 years. Values that used to be near the top of the list include focus, discipline, and efficiency. Those aren’t nearly as important to me today. Now I feel it’s more important to lead with my heart.

If you want to update your own values list, I encourage you to take advantage of this extensive list of values as a brainstorming aid.

A shift in your values can cause you to shift your decisions and actions as well. For example, a few years ago when I removed all third-party advertising from my website, which caused my income to instantly drop by more than $100K per year (passive income to boot), some people thought I was nuts. But that decision was consistent with my values. As you can see from my current values list, it’s more important for me to care about people and make honorable choices than it is to increase my personal wealth and abundance. For someone with different values, however, the same decision might not have made them happy. I have no regrets about it though.

Much like a life purpose statement, a values list is a very personal thing. Someone else’s values might not mean much to you. It’s only when you see your own values written out that the benefits of having such a list become clear.

Some decisions in life can be quite tricky. When you have your life purpose statement and values list to consult, however, these tricky decisions become much easier, and your decisions will be more consistent.

Should you quit your job to start your own business? Yes, if you value growth and learning over stability.

Should you break up with your current relationship partner? Yes, if that relationship leaves your most important values unfulfilled and another relationship would do a better job of fulfilling them.

Should you eat pizza for breakfast instead of a fruit smoothie? No, if you value vitality and alertness over satiety.

When you can quickly remind yourself what’s most important to you and in what order of priority, you not only gain clarity about the right decisions, but you also know why they’re the right decisions for you.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 1st, 2010 at 9:01 pm and is filed under Purpose. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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Focus and Discipline vs. Caring

After yesterday’s post on Life Purpose and Values, I saw some questions about why I dropped values like focus and self-discipline from my list. Are these values no longer important? Or do I feel I’ve mastered them to such a degree that they I don’t need to consciously think about them anymore?

Actually it’s neither.

Ironically I found that having such values on my list didn’t help me much when making decisions. They seem like good values to have, and I agree that they’re important, but in practice they served to obfuscate a deeper truth.

Focus on what? Discipline yourself to do what?

What if you apply these values to the wrong pursuits?

When I was 19, I was very focused on shoplifting. I thought about it every day, kept improving my game, and disciplined myself to take action. And I got pretty good at it. Was that a wise choice?

Later I focused on running a computer games business. That focus gave me good results in some areas of life, but it also slowed me down in other areas. When I’d write an article to help people on the side, sometimes I’d chastise myself for it because writing articles would dilute my focus, drawing me away from publishing games. But I still felt motivated to write. I didn’t know I’d someday become a blogger, author, and speaker and end up writing more than 1,000 articles, having a book published in a dozen languages, and doing live workshops. Blogging didn’t even exist back then, at least not like it exists today. So even though it seems like a good value to have, if I’d clung to the value of focus more tightly than I did, I might still be writing computer games, ceasing all article writing as an unjustifiable distraction.

Look at your own life and ask yourself if focusing on becoming more focused has produced positive results for you. Is it paying off? Might it also be holding you back in some areas? Are you certain that your focal point is the best one for you?

In my case I would say there were some benefits to trying to become more focused and discipline as ends in themselves, but those results weren’t as strong as I’d hoped. I intuitively sensed that something was off. I’d do things that seemed more focused and disciplined, but often that made me feel more stressed and overwhelmed, which ironically make it harder to focus. Some part of me was resisting, and it wasn’t due to laziness.

I eventually realized that my resistance had to do with feeling disconnected. Often I would focus on actions that left me feeling unfulfilled, even though I initially expected to feel really good about the results. The deepest levels of drive and motivation weren’t coming through.

This got me thinking. Is there a better place to focus my attention, such that I’ll experience less resistance, feel more motivated, and be more fulfilled?

Eventually I figured out the focal point that works best for me. That focal point is caring.

That value has been present in my life for many years, but it wasn’t till recently that I became consciously aware of just how important it is to me.

The main reason I started this personal development website is that I care about helping people. You don’t succumb to writer’s block when you care. The words always flow. I’d find it harder to discipline myself not to write. I don’t have to discipline myself to write because I care about the topics I write about, and I care about the people who read my work. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t write anything.

Caring is why I’m a vegan. I have a deep sense of compassion for animals, and it breaks my heart to see them suffer needlessly. So I strive to keep reducing the amount of suffering I contribute to, and I keep holding the intention for us to co-create a more compassionate world. Perfection may not be realistic in such an inter-connected world. Nevertheless, I do the best I can. I’m not going to close my heart, even if it stings now and then. I know that joy and sorrow are a package deal.

Something that non-vegans are rarely aware of, but which many vegans know quite well, is that your relationships tend to improve significantly when you go vegan, partly because you feel much more connected to your fellow human beings. Even if you go vegan mainly for health reasons, as I initially did, a side effect is that your heart becomes less clogged (both physically and metaphorically). This allows you to feel and express love more strongly. After several years on this path, you look back to your past self and shudder to realize how cold and dark you once were. It generally takes years for this effect to play out, but a lot of vegans experience it. You can’t close your heart to animal suffering without also closing part of it to human suffering. When you open your heart more, and you behave more compassionately, initially it may seem more difficult to attract a decent relationship because your standards will be higher, but when you do connect with someone who cares as much as you do, the connection can be more intense than anything you’ve previously experienced.

Caring is the primary value I use in my relationships. I love to care for someone deeply and to express that caring — through affection, attention, playfulness, etc. I like making people feel good. This is why I resonate more with polyamory than monogamy. It doesn’t feel right to me to label caring for more than one person as cheating. Making love physically is one way among many to express caring, but for some it’s a powerful channel for giving and receiving love. If I’m going to discipline myself, then I might remind myself to give Rachelle a nice massage or to tell her how grateful I am for our connection. Or I might post some encouraging words on a friend’s Facebook page, or come up with a Twitter update that might help inspire people.

On the other hand, caring made it very difficult for me to separate from Erin. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her. Our connection couldn’t be transformed until I realized that it wasn’t enough that we cared about each other; we also needed to feel cared for. Since Erin and I give and receive love in very different ways, it was a struggle for us to express caring in ways that the other would receive it. So we had to let go and allow each other to seek out more compatible partners. We continue to care about each other, but now we express it differently.

When I see other people who haven’t opened their hearts, and they struggle to find something to care about, I see that they suffer for it. I’ve seen how much happier people are when they finally open their hearts and begin to care. Often that begins with giving themselves permission to turn and face what breaks their hearts — and to stop holding back the tears. What is it that makes you cry? What would happen if you allowed yourself to care about it every day?

My new list of values does a better job of clarifying what I want to focus on.

Focusing on making more money or on achieving more success doesn’t motivate me to do my best work. Often it just makes me feel more stressed. But when I focus on caring about people and when I enter into that place of knowing that we’re all part of the greater body of humanity, everything flows beautifully. I feel stimulated even if I might otherwise be a bit tired or drowsy. There’s just enough tension to drive action but not so much to make me feel stressed or overwhelmed. My mind feels sharp and alert, and my thoughts become clear and focused, like I’m flowing down a river with the current. I’m able to concentrate well. And I have this warm and powerful feeling in the center of my chest. When I write from that place, people seem to resonate with it, and my words are often coincidentally synchronous with events in their lives. A greater level of harmony is achieved.

When I focus on values like caring and oneness, I feel more fulfilled. I become stronger and more disciplined because caring is intensely motivating. If you don’t care about what you’re doing, it’s very hard to discipline yourself. But when you really care, it’s actually harder not to take action. You’d practically have to be restrained.

Interestingly enough, isn’t that what society does to us sometimes? When certain activists go out and express how deeply they care about certain issues, you’ll sometimes see them being physically restrained by those who’ve been conditioned to keep their hearts closed.

What kind of world would you rather live in? Would you be happiest living in a very focused and disciplined world? What kind of imagery that does bring up? The Nazis perhaps?

Or would you rather live in a very caring world? What would it be like to live in a world where everyone cared about each other and about the planet as a whole? Wouldn’t this make us more focused, disciplined, and efficient too — and in the ways that matter?

I choose the latter. I understand the importance of becoming the change we wish to see in the world. I think that what our planet needs most at this time is for more of us to wake up and care, not just through feeling but through action. At this time in our history, it’s more important that we learn to care about each other than it is that we produce a new iThing.

When I listen carefully (= care fully) to what tugs at my heart strings, those strings begin to play music. That music is very beautiful.

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How I Write

In this article I’ll share the specific process I use to write articles, from initial concept to final publication, including the step-by-step details. If this topic interests you, hopefully you’ll gain some insights that will help you improve your craft of writing.

I don’t write the way I was taught in school, nor do I write like many people would expect. I can’t guarantee that my approach will work for you, but there’s no doubt that it works well for me.

Obviously I write a lot, and I like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Within the past six years, I’ve written more than a thousand articles and a book. In total that’s a few million words of published content, enough to fill about 25-30 books.

Typically I create publishable content at a rate of more than 1000 words per hour, and this includes idea time and editing time. A 2000-word article usually takes me around 100 minutes, and a 4000-word article typically takes around 3.5 hours. The longer an article is, the more complex the structure tends to be, so speed doesn’t scale quite linearly with length. When I get to 8000 words for a single piece, that might take around 10 hours.

Sometimes I’m slower, and sometimes times I’m faster, but these figures are about average for me. Most of the time I’d say my writing speed is within +/-25% one way or the other.

I write most of my articles in a single session, maybe with bathroom or food breaks if I need them. I rarely spread the writing of an article over more than one day, regardless of its length. Once I get an idea for a new article, it’s like a race to get it written, edited, and published as quickly as I can.

If I get an idea for a new article while I’m exercising in the morning (a common occurrence), I usually want to see it published on my website by lunchtime. My most common writing period is between breakfast and lunch, which is sufficient to write and post an article of 2000-4000 words.

In school I was taught to write using a process that looks something like this:

Choose a topic to write about.Identify the key points.Create an outline that includes the key points and supporting ideas.Turn the outline into topic sentences.Build the topic sentences into full paragraphs.Edit the content for unity, coherence, and flow.Proofread to correct mistakes and typos.

I’ve written a number of articles using such a process, but I largely abandoned this approach years ago. The main reason is that it’s too slow. If I wrote using this approach, it would take me at least 3-4x as long to write each article. This process may have made sense back in days of typewriters, where error correction was tedious. But it’s a poor choice in the age of reliable word processing software. When was the last time you even used a typewriter? I haven’t used one since the 80s.

Secondly, this method bores me. Partly that’s a side effect of its lack of speed. I’m not a particularly patient person. If I get struck by a cool idea, I want to express it ASAP. An idea that’s imperfectly expressed immediately provides far more value than an idea expressed perfectly but delayed indefinitely. Not true for a NASA space mission perhaps, but it holds true for most human communication.

Another problem with this process is that it tends to produce stunted writing that lacks style. Articles I’ve written this way come across as academic and over-engineered. Usually they’re flops in terms of effectiveness. They don’t connect well emotionally, they don’t impact people much, and they don’t do a good job of generating referrals. These are the kinds of articles that look nice on the surface, but a week later you won’t remember that you read them. If I turned them in for a college writing class, I’d probably get an A grade though. English professors often reward structure and grammar. The real world doesn’t care much about those things; it rewards writing that connects emotionally and impacts people.

Many of us have been educated to produce work like Peter Keating, but if you want to be an effective writer, I suggest you model Howard Roark instead. Write for the love of writing. Find a way to write that you truly enjoy. This may require abandoning what you were taught in school. (If you don’t know who Roark and Keating are, then you should read more too. Google them.)

The actual process I use for writing articles looks like this:

Receive an idea and feel inspired to write about it. I get the feeling, “This would make a cool article,” or “I’ll bet people would like to read about this.”Go to my computer, open the editor in WordPress, type a working title for the piece, and immediately begin writing whatever flows out of me, in full sentences and paragraphs. Keep going until I’ve completed the first draft.Edit the draft from top to bottom to improve structure, flow, and readability. Proofread and fix typos in the same pass. Keep going till I’m done editing and the piece is 100% complete.If it’s a blog post, select the categories for the post (takes about 20 seconds).If it’s a blog post, click Publish, or set it to be published at a future date/time.

Usually I go through all these steps without any breaks (other than bathroom breaks as needed). If I do need a break (usually for food but sometimes just to stretch), the best place to take it is between steps 2 and 3.

I don’t outline first. I just start writing. It’s too difficult to create an outline when I don’t even know what I’m going to be writing. I have to see what flows out of me before I can figure out how to organize it.

Ideas are everywhere. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that you get struck by interesting ideas all the time. You probably just don’t act on them. Maybe you actively talk yourself out of them, or you just let the energy of those ideas fade away.

Where do I get ideas for new articles?

Sometimes ideas just pop into my head. This often happens when I’m exercising, going for a walk, running errands, taking a shower, or eating a meal. When I get a cool idea, I note it and then do my best to write it as soon as I can. Since I spend so much time thinking about personal growth, my subconscious has a pretty huge knowledge bank in this field. Almost every day it brings new insights and patterns to my attention.

Sometimes a new idea gets triggered by a forum post, email, Facebook message, conversation, book, or some other interaction. The seed idea combines with my existing knowledge and triggers a stream of thoughts in a new direction. I soon realize those thoughts could be expressed as an article. Sometimes I’ve been in the middle of replying to someone in the forums or typing an email, and it strikes me that other people would probably benefit from reading it, so I cut and paste what I’ve got into WordPress and turn it into an article instead. That way it can benefit more people.

Sometimes when I feel like writing, but I don’t have an inspired idea at the moment, I sit down with my laptop, take a deep breath, relax, and close my eyes. Then I simply say to the universe (usually out loud), “Give me a kick-ass article idea,” or “Show me what I can write that will help people.” I quiet my mind and wait. Occasionally some weak ideas pop up, but if they don’t arrive in an envelope of inspiration (i.e. if they don’t grab me to the point that I feel excited and motivated to express them), then I simply nudge them aside and let them go. I return to the blank slate.

It rarely takes more than 2-3 minutes for the kick-ass idea to arrive. When I get the idea, I may let it slosh around in my mind for a few minutes as the full idea streams in. I usually start typing within 3-5 minutes after I start receiving the idea.

If no idea is forthcoming within 5 minutes, then I accept that I don’t need to be writing at that time. There’s something else I need to attend to. So I say aloud, “Show me what would be better than writing right now.” Then I go through the same process. Eventually I get an inspired packet to go do something else, and I jump into action immediately.

If I still don’t get any ideas coming through, then I imagine that the universe is saying to me, “There’s nothing important that you need to do at this particular time, so go ahead and enjoy some downtime.” So I take a break from writing and big projects and enjoy some time away from it. Usually I start getting more inspired ideas within a few days.

I don’t maintain a list of article ideas, I don’t actively brainstorm ideas in advance, and I generally don’t ask for suggestions. I’ve done all of those things in the past, but they don’t work well for me in practice. At one point I had a list of about 200 new article ideas. When I scanned it for something to write about, I was usually bored by everything on it.

If I get a suggestion from someone for a new article, I’ll normally write about it that same day if it excites me. Otherwise I simply let it go. Ideas by themselves have no value to me. There’s an infinite supply of ideas. The present-moment inspired ideas are the ones worth exploring.

Inspirational energy has a half life of about 24 hours. If I act on an idea immediately (or at least within the first few hours), I feel optimally motivated, and I can surf that wave of energy all the way to clicking “Publish.” If I sit on an idea for one day, I feel only half as inspired by it, and I have to paddle a lot more to get it done. If I sit on it for 2 days, the inspiration level has dropped by 75%, and for all practical purposes, the idea is dead. If I try to write it at that point, it feels like pulling teeth. It’s much better for me to let it go and wait for a fresh wave. There will always be another wave, so there’s no need to chase the ones I missed.

Sometimes when I miss an idea, it comes around again, perhaps months or years later. And usually the timing is much better.

Writing articles is very much like surfing. Each wave is unique and different, and it’s a fun ride to shore. As soon as I get to shore though, I want to swim back out and catch another wave.

I wouldn’t say that my articles are divinely inspired, but I frequently receive inspiration from what seems to be the collective superconscious mind. After I publish articles based on inspired ideas, someone almost always mentions that my choice of topic is a major synchronicity for them. This doesn’t happen, however, if I select topics for reasons other than present-moment inspiration. For whatever reason, the article that’s an inspiration for me to write is also an inspiration for someone to read.

The way I see it is that when people vibrationally ask for help, meaning that they’re holding that desire strongly, and those people are within my sphere of influence, and it’s within my expertise to help them, then I’m able to pick up their collective vibrations. People are like radio transmitters, and if they’re transmitting loudly enough, I can receive those signals. Sometimes I notice those signals by intentionally listening out for them. Other times they arrive as strong, short pulses while my mind isn’t heavily occupied by something else.

I don’t see this as a woo-woo thing but rather as a real physical phenomenon, perhaps one that can be instrumentally measured someday. I suspect that modern neuroscience simply needs to catch up to it. The discovery of mirror neurons may be a step in the right direction. Our brains are more connected than we once realized, but what’s the true nature of that connection? I don’t fully fathom how this works, but that doesn’t stop me from using it.

I would say that my #1 strength as a writer is that I’ve gotten good at listening to the voice of inspiration, and when it speaks, I act on it fast. You cannot ask a passing wave to wait until you’re ready.

When I get an inspired idea for a new article, it’s like watching a 2-minute preview of a movie I’ve never seen. I only get a brief glimpse of what it’s about. I can’t tell you exactly what the story is or how it ends. If it’s a good preview, I think, “I totally want to go see that!” Similarly, when I get an idea that inspires me, my reaction is, “I totally want to go write that!”

When I begin writing a new article, I’ve only seen the preview. I don’t know what all the key points will be. I don’t know how it will be developed. But I have some overall idea of what the premise is and what it’s about. I could tell you if it’s likely to be humorous or dramatic or compassionate in its tone, much like you can tell from a movie preview whether it’s a drama, comedy, romance, etc.

The act of writing the article is pleasurable. It feels at least as good as watching a really good movie. Just as every movie is different, the experience of writing every article is different too. If I write something funny, it often makes me laugh out loud. If I write something deep and emotional, I sometimes cry. If I write something that’s likely to push people’s buttons, I might cringe a bit, especially when I click “Publish.”

Writing doesn’t feel like work to me — unless I use the old process, that is. When I write using my preferred process, I feel more like a witness to the writing rather than the one doing the writing. It’s like watching a movie from the inside.

Imagine if you could watch a movie in immersive 3D, like a virtual reality version. You’ve seen the preview, and it looked cool to you, but you don’t really know how the story will unfold. You step into that virtual character and let go. It immediately takes over and controls your physical body, directing all your words, actions, and interactions with the other characters. At any time you can consciously stop it and take a break or quit, just as you can get up and leave a movie theater at any time. But it’s more fun to relax into it and enjoy the ride. You know it’s a temporary experience that will end on its own if you simply let it play out.

That’s what writing feels like to me. I step out of the way and let the content (i.e. the story) flow through me. I feel like an immersed observer.

When you’re totally immersed in a good movie, it’s like you’re really there. For a while you forget who you are. You become the experience.

When I’m writing an article, I lose myself in it. I become the experience of writing. I relax into it, and my fingers start pushing buttons without my having to consciously think about what I’m doing.

I wouldn’t say it’s passive, but it’s about as passive as watching a very immersive movie. You still need to pay attention to what’s happening on the screen, and it won’t be the same experience if you zone out, but it definitely doesn’t feel like work, The English Patient notwithstanding.

Much like you’d experience while watching a movie or reading a novel, I experience story-like elements such as foreshadowing and flashbacks when I write. As paragraphs flow onto the screen, I catch glimpses of what’s coming around the next bend.

It’s only after I’ve written the whole first draft that I actually know what I’m writing. Only then could I tell you what the article is about.

The editing phase typically takes me about as long as the initial writing does. So if it took me an hour to write the first draft, I can expect to spend another hour doing the editing.

Here’s what I do during the editing phase:

Read what I’ve written in linear order from top to bottom, rephrasing sentences and paragraphs as I go, to increase overall clarity and flow.Make cuts to reduce redundancy and verbal flabbiness.Add personal stories, anecdotes, and examples to make abstractions more grounded, so people can more easily relate to and apply the ideas.Add section headings where transitions occur. (Sometimes I’ve already added them during the writing phase.)Move paragraphs and sections around; give the piece a logical structure that makes sense.Turn paragraph-style lists into bullet lists if I think it would improve the flow.Fix typos that were introduced by the Typo Gremlin.Add more humor if I feel so inclined, and remove humor that I feel was too weak or inappropriate.Smooth out the language to give the piece an overall style that meshes well with the subject matter (friendly, challenging, compassionate, gentle, satirical, etc).Refine the opening and closing.Look at my working title. If I think it still works, keep it. Otherwise replace it with a more suitable title.

This process is similar to editing a movie. However, I don’t have to spend as much time on the script up front because I don’t incur heavy costs for mistakes made during the filming. I can easily go back and re-film scenes or add scenes during the editing phase. So my process involves blasting out a script as quickly as I can, filming all the scenes in linear order, and making a rough cut ASAP. It’s only when I’ve watched that first cut that I really begin to understand what the movie is about. After watching it, I get plenty of ideas for how to make it better. Then I take that knowledge to the editing room and turn that rough cut into the movie I feel it’s supposed to become.

Usually I make a single editing pass only, but for fairly complex pieces or for pieces where the first editing pass was unusually heavy, I may make a second pass. During this second pass, I’ll tighten up the wording more and try to catch typos I missed on the previous pass.

Typically the piece will grow 20-30% longer during the editing phase, mainly because of the extra stories, examples, and analogies I add. So a 2000-word article might expand to 2500 words during the editing.

Editing an article isn’t as much fun as writing the first draft, but I wouldn’t say it’s tedious or painful. When I get to the editing phase, I know I’m on the home stretch towards publishing the piece. I often glance at the scrollbar on the side of the editing window as I edit, using it like a progress bar. I like seeing that little blue bar move from top to bottom, signaling mini-milestones along the way such as half done, 75% done, almost there, and 100% complete.

When I reach 100% completion, I often verbally acknowledge that I’m done with a  ”Whew!” or “Awesome!” or “Yeah, baby!”

The Typo Gremlin has long been my greatest nemesis. It’s rare that I publish an article without at least a few typos slipping through. Partly this has to do with the process I use.

Mac OS X includes a built-in real-time spellchecker, so if I make a typo that’s also a spelling error, it gets flagged as soon as I hit the spacebar to move on to the next word. I fix those typos right away. So you’ll rarely see these kinds of typos in my articles, but occasionally one of them will slip through.

Since I normally make just one editing pass, I usually miss a few typos because I’m focused on other things during that editing pass, such as improving the flow and structure.

If I wanted to do a better job of catching typos, I’d do a second editing pass just for proofreading. I rarely do that, however. Catching and correcting typos is boring and requires slow and careful reading. Usually I feel the effort isn’t worth it. I’m willing to let a few typos slip through in order to save time.

If I do that extra proofreading pass, I can rarely limit myself to just proofreading. I’ll almost always felt drawn to make higher level edits as well. I tend to get sucked into over-polishing. I could spend an extra hour on an article just to make it 5% better. I don’t think that’s a good use of my time. I’m better off publishing it and moving on to the next article. Once I see the feedback, then I can decide whether or not to write a follow up piece.

Typos are rarely so bad as to obfuscate the meaning. If I type the word “it” instead of “if,” for instance, people can still figure out what I meant. A word or two out of place will rarely mess up the meaning so badly that it confuses people. And no single sentence is usually critical either.

Writing is a very fault-tolerant medium. With computer programming, one character out of place could easily prevent your code from running at all. But the human brain is very good at error correction and pattern matching. U cn mk lts of mstks, nd ppl cn stll ndrstnd U.

After I publish a piece, if there are some glaring typos, people will often point them out to me. I always fix typos when people point them out, but I don’t go out of my way to solicit typo reports.

I think it’s better to write 10 good articles that include a few typos each vs. writing 7 good articles that are typo-free. I use the law of diminishing returns, and the return on typo correction drops off massively beyond a certain point.

For a book that’s going to be in print, I’ll put more effort into fixing typos, and there will be other sets of eyes looking at the manuscript too. But after a book goes to print, you have to wait till a future printing in order to fix typos, and it takes more work to do so. For a blog post that’s already published, I can fix a typo and update the public version in less than a minute.

When I give the piece a working title before I start writing it, I use whatever pops into my head first. I rarely think about it for more than 10 seconds. I know I can always change it later.

After I’ve written and edited the piece, then I put a bit of thought into the title. Perhaps 20-30% of the time, I feel that my working title is fine, so I keep it. This is more likely to happen with very short and obvious titles. If I get inspired to write about gratitude, then I may simply title it Gratitude.

When considering titles, I don’t do keyword research for search engine placement. I do, however, give some thought to keywords. I ask myself if I think it’s likely that people will be actively searching for information on this topic. If so, then I’ll often use a simple keyword-rich title that should align with what they’re looking for.

I’m not particularly precise about which keywords I use, but I aim to make reasonably intelligent choices.

I tend to rank high on the keywords I select almost immediately. Quite often, my new articles will rank in the top 10 on Google for their titles within minutes after I publish them.

Google seems to give me a lot of initial credibility no matter what I write about, so even before people have had time to read and link to my newest article, it’s already showing up in searches. Then over a period of weeks, the article will settle into a more stable position. That long-term position is probably based on more typical SEO factors like the article’s content, the number of backlinks, and how much competition there is for those keywords. But it appears that Google loves me enough to give me an initial ranking that’s very high much of the time, which gives each new article some quick exposure there. If the article picks up a lot of backlinks, then it may soon displace some of the long-term position holders for those keywords. This happens quite often.

It’s as if Google’s algorithm says, “Okay, Steve. You’ve written some good stuff in the past, and much of it has become popular, so for each new piece you write, we’ll take our best guess at where you probably deserve to rank, based on your past performance. If your article proves that it belongs there, such as by picking up a lot of backlinks or generating buzz in some other way we can track, then you’ll retain that position or move up higher. But if not, we’ll drop it down hard and fast. Have a nice day!”

I don’t use black-hat SEO tricks or get involved in crazy schemes. I never use those “we can help you rank #1? SEO services. In my opinion the SEO field is largely a sham, motivated mainly by greed. You don’t need it. Search engines like Google have teams of engineers figuring out how to list the most relevant, quality material for a given search while filtering out what doesn’t deserve to be there. They aren’t perfect, but they keep improving at it. Work with them, not against them, and you’ll find that time is on your side.

I don’t go back and revise the content of articles or the subheads to try to punch up the keyword frequency. I simply aim to produce the best content I can. I do my job, and I let the search engines do theirs.

I’d say that the main reason my articles tend to rank well on Google is that they deserve to be there. Google seems to do a pretty good job of settling my articles into the positions where I might objectively agree they deserve to be listed, if I may be so objective. Let’s just say that I’m rarely surprised.

I know that if I want to rank into the top 10, then it’s up to me to write a top-1o worthy piece, but that part isn’t completely up to me. I handle the writing, and I let others decide the ranking.

I don’t worry about what other writers are doing. I don’t do market research or look at what’s already been written on a topic. I simply write what I’m inspired to write.

I write for human beings, not for search engines. When I choose a keyword-rich title, I’m not doing it primarily for search engines. I’m doing it to make it easier for human beings to find what I’ve written. I recognize that many people find my articles through search, and it doesn’t serve them if I make my articles difficult to find by giving them cutesy, obscure, irrelevant, or misleading titles. When I write something that I believe has value, I want people to be able to find it, read it, and benefit from it. Clear, direct titles are a must.

If I feel there isn’t likely to be a lot of search volume on a particular subject, then I don’t fuss over keywords. I just give the piece a title that I believe will appeal to the people who would benefit from reading it.

I titled this article “How I Write.” That isn’t a keyword-rich title. I doubt there are a lot of people searching for this particular topic, so I don’t care about the search rankings for it. There may be a lot of people searching for information on “how to write” or “how to write an article,” but that isn’t the piece I actually wrote.

This piece is for people who want to know more about the specific writing process I use. I gave the piece a clear and obvious title that should catch their eye if this subject interests them, and if they don’t care about this topic, they’ll know they can skip it.

Because of the way I write and title my articles, I don’t have to shift tactics each time Google changes its algorithm or each time another technology shift happens. I don’t have to worry about my methods going sour.

My social media strategy is the same as my search engine strategy. I aim to give my articles meaningful titles that facilitate the delivery of value. It doesn’t matter whether people search for these topics explicitly or if they share a link with their Facebook friends or Twitter followers. I trust that the content I create will eventually reach the eyes of those who should receive it. If they don’t find it via search, then someone may share it with them.

The vast majority of the time I write my articles directly into WordPress via my web browser. I’ve tried external editors in the past, but I prefer going straight through the browser. I feel this actually helps me because I write each new article on the same website where I’ve already published hundreds of other articles. This creates some positive pressure to get the piece completed and published. It’s like the previously published articles are saying to the new article, “Hey there, new arrival… come join us!”

I use Google Chrome (Mac version) for my browser. I like Chrome because it’s the speediest and most responsive browser I’ve used. I know some people love Firefox because of all the plug-ins, but I can’t stand it because it’s too frakkin’ slow. It should be called Fireslug. It would be nice if Chrome had more features, but not at the expense of speed.

I don’t use any special tools such as mind-mapping software. I think that would just slow me down.

I’ve tried dictation software in the past, and from time to time I check out the newest versions, but I’ve never found it practical enough to use regularly. The error rate is too high, and the verbal interface is clunky and tedious — worthless for editing. I also find it distracting to hear myself speaking while I’m trying to listen to the ideas that are coming through. It’s like talking during a movie.

Sometimes I listen to music when I write, mostly New Age with the volume pretty low. However, if there’s music playing, it usually slows me down by about 10%. I write fastest in silence. If I listen to music while editing, more typos will usually slip through. Even so, I do like listening to music when I write from time to time.

I did not use this same process to write my book Personal Development for Smart People. To write the book I used a different process that was basically a hybrid of the two approaches I mentioned above.

First, I did tons of research for the book and put lots of thought into it. That took more than two years.

Once I figured out the core ideas, I created a high-level chapter outline for the book. Then I brainstormed what would go into each chapter and figured out what the subsections of those chapters would be.

To write each subsection, I used a process similar to my current writing process except that I didn’t have to wait for an inspired idea since I already had the topics worked out. Writing each section, however, was much more difficult and time consuming as opposed to what happens when I catch the wave of an inspired idea in the moment. It took several days to write the same amount of content I could otherwise crank out in less than a day.

The actual writing and editing part took about 3 months, but I had other projects going on at the same time, so it wasn’t a full-time endeavor. It also overlapped the holidays, so there were some breaks in there.

When I was done writing and editing it, the book went through an editing process with the publisher. They were very thorough, even catching an attribution error in one of my chapter opening quotes. I think it only took me a day or two to make all those additional edits.

This process worked. The book got finished, and I feel good about the quality of the content. Others seem to agree since it still averages 4.5 out of 5 stars with about 80 reviews on Amazon. However, I wouldn’t use this same process to write another book.

I didn’t enjoy this process nearly as much as the process I use for writing articles. I also found it too slow. It forced me to try to organize my ideas before I fully understood what I was writing. That was painstaking work, and it took lots of discipline to get through it. If I didn’t have a signed contract with a respected publisher expecting a manuscript from me, it would have taken much longer.

On the upside, the book is very highly structured. The organization is really tight. It’s definitely not a flabby book. People have told me they gain new insights from nearly every page.

The book is also very unique. The ideas are presented and structured in a way that’s unlike any other book.

The main criticism I received about the book is that it’s a bit too mental and doesn’t have the same energy that my articles do. I tend to agree. I feel I could have put more humor into it and spiced up stylistic elements without compromising the content.

If I were to write another book, I’d use an adapted version of my article writing process. This would mean that once I get an inspired idea for a book, I’d try to clear my schedule as much as possible and get that first draft written fast. I wouldn’t worry about the chapter structure. I’d just write and write and write until I felt I had all the core content down. That would probably take anywhere from several days to a few weeks, depending on how much time I had to devote to it. I expect I could sustainably crank out 5-10K words per day if I didn’t have anything else on my plate. Then I’d go over all the material and do a complete editing pass, splitting things into chapters and sections and reworking the text much like I do when editing articles. This would take several days to a few weeks as well. I’d probably give it at least 2-3 more editing passes to increase the polish and correct mistakes. Finally, I’d get some other eyes to help proofread it. Then I’d either hand it off to a publisher or self-publish it.

* * *

My writing process has evolved over many years, but it’s pretty stable these days. I can go from initial idea to published content in a matter of hours most of the time. With this process I can express myself quickly and deliver value to others rapidly. It works well.

Hopefully you found some useful insights here that you can adapt to your own writing process. Writing is a very personal experience, so ultimately you should use whatever works best for you. Keep experimenting.

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Cheating in Relationships

Relationship cheating is a very common occurrence. If you haven’t experienced it yet, there’s a good chance you eventually will. In this article we’ll explore how often cheating occurs, how to define cheating, signs of cheating, and how to deal with it.

Although I personally prefer non-monogamy, I opted to write this article using a monogamous perspective since that seems to be the more popular relationship paradigm. Given the frequency of cheating in monogamous relationships, it would appear that true monogamy isn’t as common as people would have each other believe.

I found it difficult to track down good cheating statistics. This seems to be partly because people have a hard time being completely honest, even when surveyed in ways that safeguard their anonymity. There’s still some shame and guilt associated with admitting the truth, even in private. So instead of sharing a bunch of detailed stats that might be wrong, I’ll simply share the big picture elements.

Slightly more than half of all married people will cheat on their spouses at some point in their lives. Men apparently cheat more often than women, but the gap isn’t huge.

Most of the time cheating does occur, the other spouse doesn’t know about it, with women being in the dark slightly more often than men.

That’s if you’re married. If you’re in a committed relationship but aren’t married, then I’d imagine that the odds of cheating are even higher. Partly I say that because cheating is more common when you’re younger and becomes less likely as you age.

The big game-changer here is the Internet, which makes even 10-year old stats seem very dated now. Recents surveys suggest that most people have flirted online at one point or another, that when people spend time in chat rooms they’re usually motivated by romantic or sexual interest, and that about a third of adults have had real sex as a result of a connection that began online.

In the USA alone, tens of millions of people cheat on their primary relationship partners. Cheating is very, very common. Most of the time when people cheat, they hide it from their partners, and they usually succeed in doing so, not because they’re so great at keeping secrets but mainly because their partners fail to recognize and acknowledge the telltale signs.

Suffice it to say that cheating is rampant.

Statistically speaking, if you get involved in committed relationships or Click Here!">marriage, the odds are better than 50-50 that you’re eventually going to cheat at some point in your life. And you’ll probably hide it from your primary partner, and you’ll probably get away with it.

Of course you can decline to join this group if you so desire. However, there’s still a good chance you’ll end up in a relationship with someone else who’s a member, and you probably won’t know. Or you’ll know, but you’ll retreat into denial about it.

What exactly constitutes cheating? Not everyone defines cheating the same way. Society may condition us to think of cheating a certain way, but deep down we may not feel the same.

Have a heart to heart talk with your partner, and define what you would consider cheating. Your answers don’t have to be the same.

Here are some items to think about.

Would you or your partner find it problematic if you…

Have sexual thoughts about someone elseStare at someone attractive walking by when you’re with your partnerLook at pornMasturbate to pornMasturbate while imagining having sex with someone elseHave sex with your partner while visualizing sex with someone elseGo to a strip clubGet a lap danceGo dancing with someone you find attractiveHave coffee and a long chat with someone you find attractiveGo out to dinner and a show with someone you find attractiveHug someoneCuddle someoneCuddle someone nakedGo on a vacation with someoneSleep in the same bed with someoneGive or receive a foot massageGive or receive a full body massageKiss someone lightlyKiss someone passionatelyFrench kiss someoneHot chat with someoneHave phone sex with someoneBuy an expensive gift for someone you’re attracted toGive or receive a hickeySuck someone’s breastsEngage in light petting with someoneEngage in heavy petting with someoneGive someone oral sexReceive oral sex from someoneHave an orgasm with someoneGive someone an orgasmHave intercourse without having an orgasmHave intercourse with an orgasmHave unprotected intercourseHave a threesome with your partnerHave a threesome without your partnerSay to someone else “I love you” and mean itDoing any of the above more than onceDoing any of the above more than once with the same personDo any of the above with a member of the same sexDo any of the above without telling your primary partner about it beforehandDo any of the above without telling your primary partner at all

There are many possibilities for your boundaries. And your partner’s boundaries may be different than yours.

Think about:

Your boundaries for yourselfYour boundaries for your partnerYour partner’s boundaries for his/herselfYour partner’s boundaries for you

Each of these items may be quite different.

A problem that occurs often in relationships is that people don’t clearly define their boundaries. They just assume they know what their boundaries are and that their partner’s boundaries are similar. This makes it easy for either you or your partner to gradually slide across the border into the realm of “cheating” without ever really deciding to do so.

It would be very rare for someone to say, “I’m going to cheat on my partner.” What happens instead is that at some point, you discover you’ve already slipped across the border without trying to do so, and once you realize you’re already on the other side, then you figure you might as well make the best of it.

You don’t have to get this explicit if you don’t want to, but if you’ve had problems with cheating in the past, perhaps it would be wise to start by clarifying your boundaries with your partner.

You can’t force a boundary on your partner. Either they’ll willingly agree to it, or they won’t. If your boundaries are miles apart, and you or your partner resist closing the gap, then you’re probably better off looking for more compatible matches.

When you agree to certain boundaries and feel good about it, you have a good shot of avoiding cheating, regardless of where your boundaries actually are. If you don’t define your boundaries or if you and your partner only agree verbally but not in your hearts, then you’ve created the space to invite cheating into your relationship.

This article is specifically about cheating, but you can define boundaries in other ways too. For example, if you’re in an open relationship, then you may have very liberal boundaries sexually, so you may be hard-pressed to define anything there as cheating. However, you may still have important boundaries that involve safety, honesty, and kindness that may not fall within the realm of cheating. It’s a good idea to define those too if you and your partner can come to an agreement.

For example, if a friend tells you something in confidence, will you automatically share that with your partner? And will you let your friend know in advance that anything she tells you will be shared with your partner? Or do you slide into the gray area of assuming you’ll share everything with your partner and imagining that your friend expects this, even as you fear that if you told her this up front, she might decide to share less with you?

Despite your best efforts, cheating can still occur. You may have control over your part of the commitment, but you don’t control your partner. Your partner remains free to make his/her own choices, including choices that may violate your mutually agreed upon commitment. It happens.

If you suspect your partner of cheating, you’re probably right, even if you don’t have much objective proof. It’s certainly not uncommon, and when you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, you may intuitively or logically notice that something has shifted.

Quite often, however, even when clear signs of cheating are present, people go into denial. They don’t want to believe it’s happening. So in order to preserve the illusion of their monogamous relationship, they pretend everything is okay and try to avoid confrontation.

There are many telltale signs of cheating, some subtle and some not so subtle. No single sign may be a smoking gun, but what do you see when you look at the big picture?

These signs of cheating include:

lipstick smudges or perfume odors that didn’t come from youyour partner becomes unusually private about protecting his/her emailhigher than usual phone billsyour partner is vague when telling you about travel, nights out, etc.you catch your partner lying to youyour mutual friends start distancing themselves from you or acting strange around youpeople suddenly get quiet when you enter the roomif your partner is on the computer, s/he quickly switches apps or hides windows when you walk inyour partner shows sudden changes in sex patterns, such as wanting sex more/less often or wanting to experiment with new techniquesyou find unexplained condoms, birth control, underwear, Viagra, etc.your existing condom supply diminishes faster than you can account foryour partner becomes more emotionally distant and communicates less often or less deeply with youyour partner runs errands that seem to take much longer than they shouldif you confront your partner about possible cheating, s/he blows up at youwhen you ask your partner about certain discrepancies, the explanation doesn’t sound believable to youyour partner hides credit card statements or other billsyour partner seems to be withdrawing more cash from the ATM than usual, and you can’t discern where it’s goingyou find unexplained receipts for things like meals and entertainmentyour partner seems to be doing more business travel than usual, but there isn’t a good explanation for it like a promotion, transfer, or new work project.your partner seems to be eating less and/or you’re spending less on food, suggested there are meals that are unaccounted foryour partner dresses nicer than usual when running errandsyour partner seems unusually interested in getting in shapeyou learn that your partner missed a day of work when s/he was supposedly workingyour partner supposedly puts in more hours “at the office,” but there’s no overtime pay or promotion forthcomingyour partner is supposedly working late, but you can’t reach him/her when you callyour partner has unexplained marks like hickeys or scratchesyour partner begins wearing his/her wedding ring less often than usual or seemingly forgets to put it onyour partner stops taking the kids along on errands when s/he used to do thatyour partner says “I love you” less often, seems more distant when s/he says it, or seems more distant when you say ityour partner seems to resist or delay making future plans with you, such as buying a new car or getting pregnantyour partner spends less time with you or seems to be avoiding youyour partner becomes unusually critical or hostileyour partner seems to be spending a lot more time online or on the phoneit’s more difficult than usual to get in touch with your partner when s/he’s out at workyour partner takes extra showers, such as immediately after getting home from work or errandsyour partner does laundry at unusual timesyour partner takes longer than usual to reply to text messages or seems annoyed when you callyour partner behaves strangely when the suspected target is nearbyyour partner orgasms less frequently than usual during sexyour partner suggests that you go on trips without him/her, such as visiting your family for a few daysyour partner boosts your cell phone plan to add more minutes or text capabilities, but it’s a mystery where that extra capacity is goingyou catch your partner using their cell phone in odd locations like the backyard or garageyour partner accuses you of cheating, but you aren’tyour partner starts changing passwords on accounts you used to be able to accessyour partner seems to intentionally pick fights with youyour partner changes or hides his/her relationship status on social networking sitesyour partner goes out with friends, but if you call the friends s/he is supposedly with, they obviously aren’t out with your partneryour partner’s sex techniques change suddenlyyour partner buys new lingerie that she never seems to wearsome of your partner’s clothing goes missingyour partner guards/hides their cell phone and never leaves it lying around unattendedyour partner frequently nukes all saved text messages and/or emailsyour partner incorrectly remembers ">gifts s/he gave you but which you never receivedyour partner shuts down and password protects their computer when they leave

Perhaps the #1 sign of cheating is the sinking feeling that your partner is cheating on you. If you get that feeling, you’re probably right.

Incidentally, when cheating does occur, quite often it’s with a co-worker. Most people have sex with a co-worker at some point in their lives, and sometimes they do it when they’re already in a relationship with someone else.

If cheating should occur, or if you’re suspicious of cheating, it’s entirely up to you how you wish to respond to it. There’s no single right or wrong solution.

Many people bury their heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. This usually doesn’t work so well. It may retain the frame of the relationship, but it kills your chances of lasting intimacy. It may successfully preserve your lifestyle and financial situation for a while though if that’s all you care about.

Some people confront and then forgive their partners. Much of the time the cheating pattern returns, often with the same person but sometimes with new partners.

Some people leave the relationship. Quite often, however, they enter into another relationship where the same cheating pattern surfaces again.

If you find yourself in this situation, take responsibility for it. You chose this particular partner. There were probably warning signs that you chose to disregard. You may have valued certain factors like security above happiness. You may have been excessively clingy and unwilling to accept the truth. You may be harboring the belief that it’s difficult to find good partners.

I’m not saying you should blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. Nor do you need to become hyper-vigilant and paranoid that it may happen again. Simply take responsibility for your role in the situation, consider what lessons you learned, forgive your partner, and move on from it.

My preference is to acknowledge that people always have other options for connection, and they may enjoy other partners besides me, even if we’re in a close relationship together. Rather than seeing this as a problem, I see it as an opportunity to expand my experience of love, shifting it from attachment to abundance. I understand that any woman I get involved with is going to have other options. I also know that change is the only constant. She may change. I may change. Both of us may change. There’s nothing wrong with that per se.

Everyone is unique. Monogamy works very well for some people, while others thrive in open relationships. The key is to figure out what forms of connection work best for you, and then be true to yourself and honor who you are. It may take some experimentation to discover what’s most important to you, but each new connection will teach you valuable lessons about yourself, even those that end in heartbreak.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 13th, 2010 at 9:38 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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Committed Relationships

If you say you’re in a committed relationship, what does that mean? What are you actually committing to?

If I ask some people who claim to be in committed relationships what they mean by it, they might say things like:

I’m committed to my partner.

This answer is pretty vague, wouldn’t you agree? It could mean anything. Committed to what specifically?

How is this any different than taking care of your dog?

I’m committed to loving my partner.

That’s a step forward but still essentially a cop-out. Love is wonderful, but what’s the actual committment you’re claiming to make? To feel the emotion of love for your partner 24/7? To feel loving at least once every couple days? To hug your partner 5 times per week? To live together in the same household? To have joint finances?

What are you actually saying? Temba, his arms wide.

I’m committed to having a spiritual bond with my partner.

I feel like I’m asking a Ferengi how much they’d like to donate.

Believing that you’re creating a spiritual bond is great and wonderful and all. But once you return from Narnia, then what are we really talking about here? Are you meditating together till your chakras look like a bowl of Lucky Charms? Are you smoking the same joint as one? What will we actually see of this spiritual bond you speak of?

When you define your commitment in such a vague way, there’s so much wiggle room that we could say you haven’t actually committed to anything yet. This is laziness masquerading as commitment.

I’m committed to only having sex with my partner.

At least we’re getting specific now.

I’m sure your partner is very shaggable, but this is merely exclusivity. Is that all there is to commitment? If you’re exclusive with someone, is that sufficient to claim that you’re in a committed relationship together?

And does this mean that prior to your current relationship, you were in a committed relationship with your hand?

I’m committed to my partner’s highest good.

Praise Hestia!

What’s your partner’s highest good? Are you sure it involves being with you?

Does this highest good include encouraging your partner to leave once you suspect that being in a relationship with you is no longer (or perhaps never was) equal to their highest good?

I’m committed to your highest good. Does that mean I’m in a committed relationship with you?

I’m committed to loving, cherishing, honoring, and obeying my partner.

How original.

What does that actually mean though? How does this translate into what we can perceive? You can love, cherish, and honor a friend or family member if you so desire. What’s so special about how this shows up in your committed relationship?

I like the obeying part though. Yum!

One reason so many relationships involve cheating, lying, and secrets is that the commitments are poorly defined. This creates gray areas that can be easily stretched until you reach the point of having crossed the border into breaking that commitment, but it isn’t clear at what point the border was specifically crossed.

How will you know if you’re honoring your commitment or not?

Be specific. Start by explicitly defining what your commitment looks like. What do you expect of each other? What have you decided to co-create together?

Talk about actions, events, feelings, reactions, expectations, and consequences. Step out of the conceptual realm, and move into the world of what’s perceivable. If you’re going to make a commitment, then let it be grounded in reality. Bring it over to this side of the wardrobe.

Making a subjective commitment is wonderful. That’s a good start. It’s perfectly fine to begin with abstractions like loving and honoring each other. But if it’s a real commitment — and not an airy fairy nebulous one that could mean anything — then there will be an objective side to it as well. The subjective and objective commitments are two sides of the same coin. Ultimately you can’t have one without the other.

If there’s genuine love present, how do you intend for it to manifest? Will this translate into flowers, joint finances, and having kids? Or will it show up as sailing around the world together, sharing bottles of wine, and hours-long lovemaking sessions? Or is it simply a matter of texting “I <3 U, Schmoopie!” twenty times a day?

Everyone has a different understanding of commitment. If you assume your partner’s notion of commitment is the same as yours, good luck with that. It’s a well-trodden path to disappointment and heartbreak. Be prepared for that slow sinking feeling down the road.

As you discuss your commitment with your partner, be careful not to get lost fussing over the exact meaning of words like commitment and cheating. The exact labels you use aren’t that important. What matters is that you focus on what’s real and grounded and experiential as opposed to getting too abstract and vague.

Talk about what your commitment means to you in a grounded way. It may be less romantic than the ungrounded version, but creating that level of clarity can deepen your connection. You’ll tend to feel more connected when you and your partner clarify what you expect of each other and what you’re willing to give.

Saying that you expect your partner to love, cherish, and be faithful to you is likely to create headaches down the road. Instead, replace these vagaries with a specific expectation like, “If you were to kiss another woman in a way that’s more than a friendly greeting or a peck on the cheek, such as if you were to make out with her or French kiss her, I’d consider that a violation of our commitment, and I’d feel hurt and betrayed.” Or say, “I’d like you to take at least one specific action each day that you expect will make me feel loved and cared for, such as making me a nice dinner; going for walk together while holding my hand; cuddling me on the couch as we watch a movie; looking into my eyes and saying ‘I love you and care about you’; or slapping a slave collar on me, commanding me to strip, tying me to the bed, and shagging me rotten.”

As your relationship evolves over time, it’s wise to update your commitment now and then. Talk with your partner about the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t renegotiate your commitment in a way that feels good to you both, then agree to let go with love, and give yourselves the freedom to seek out new partners who feel good about making the commitments you each desire.

You don’t actually have to commit to anything. So if the idea of being specific doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s absolutely fine to let go and to allow your relationship path unfold as it will. In that case, don’t get too attached to the idea of commitment as it relates to any one person, as it will simply devolve into attachment and clinginess. Commitment requires free choice, not obligation.

If you claim to be in a committed relationship but you don’t have a specific commitment with your partner that goes beyond the use of vague and ill-defined words, then don’t be too surprised when your connection gradually becomes something that appears committed on the surface but lacks the true spirit of commitment in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you haven’t spelled out any specific commitments, then you’re better off not using the C-word to describe your relationship. But if you still want to feel the spirit of commitment without going through the trouble of defining it, use a slave collar instead.

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Abundance in a World of Limited Resources

How we can talk about creating abundance when it seems we live in a world of scarce resources? Aren’t these in conflict? Isn’t an abundance mindset just an exercise in self-delusion?

Certain resources on earth are in limited supply and are being depleted quickly. Perhaps the #1 example of this is oil. Oil is being pumped out of the ground faster than it can be replenished by the earth.

It takes energy to pump the oil out of the ground, and not all of the oil can be retrieved in an energy efficient manner. It doesn’t make sense to spend 100 units of energy in order to extract only 90 units.

The easy-to-get oil is already scarce, and companies are going after the harder-to-get oil at much greater risk and expense. It’s easier to pump oil out of the ground than it is to build offshore oil rigs and pump it up through the ocean floor. There would be no rational justification for engaging in costly offshore oil drilling if land-based oil supplies were abundant. The very existence of offshore oil drilling is a clear signal that oil is becoming scarcer. Even oil rich nations like Saudi Arabia are engaged in offshore drilling, which is a tacit acknowledgement that they’re running out of oil.

It’s only a matter of time before this resource runs out. As it becomes increasingly scarce, shortages will occur, and oil prices will surge. Industries that depend heavily on oil will have to cut back. Aren’t we already seeing this happen?

At present there’s no resource that can substitute for oil’s versatility or its integration into modern society. Oil is used to run farming equipment and transport food. It’s used in plastics — your home is probably filled with petroleum-based products. Even the tires on your car are made with oil, about 7 gallons per tire. It’s not a resource that can be easily replaced. As oil runs out, some lifestyle changes are inevitable.

There’s no need to deny that certain resources are scarce. Scarce resources are part of the story of earth.

If life is a dream, then what sense does it make for there to be scarce resources? Can’t you just think your way into limitless abundance?

Limits and constraints make for interesting story. If there are no constraints, there’s no story. Life in a constraint-free world would be incredibly boring.

Abundance isn’t the same thing as limitlessness. If you lived in a truly limitless world, would you feel a sense of abundance? More likely you’d suffer from gluttony, boredom, and laziness. It would be a disappointing and uninspiring dream to endure.

This may appear unintuitive at first glance, but abundance requires scarcity.

Abundance and scarcity are equally valuable teachers. They both teach us gratitude, but in different ways.

When there’s a constant presence in your life, you’ll tend to take it for granted. You’ll come to expect that it will always be there. But when you have to do without for a while, it gives you the opportunity to appreciate what you have even more.

It’s the shifting between phases of abundance and scarcity that teaches us what we value most.

I take time every day to appreciate the good things in my life, partly because I’ve had the experience of not having them. I know these experiences are temporary.

I’m grateful for the freedom I enjoy because at one point I was in an 8'x10' jail cell, feeling what it felt like not to have that freedom.

I’m grateful for the money that flows through my life because I was broke for many years, went bankrupt, and got kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent.

I’m grateful for the friends I have because I know what it’s like to feel alone and friendless.

I’m grateful for the health I enjoy because I know what it’s like to be sick.

When I use the Internet, I feel grateful for how amazing it is and how it lets me connect with people all over the world. I remember what it was like when I didn’t have access to this amazing wonder.

In two days I’m traveling to Canada to visit my Rachelle. We haven’t seen each other in a month and a half. Being apart for so long makes it hard to take each other for granted. It helps us appreciate each other much more. I’m very grateful that she’s in my life.

However, when there’s a glut of abundance, I’m more likely to take things for granted. That’s when scarcity may become the more valuable teacher.

When I’ve spent a few weeks with Rachelle, for instance, I may not feel as appreciative of her on Day 20 as I did on Day 1. But after saying goodbye to her at the airport and then experiencing a few days alone, I become more acutely aware of just how much I appreciate her, and I look forward to seeing her again.

It’s the contrast between abundance and scarcity that helps raise our awareness of what we value most.

The abundance mindset isn’t about acquiring and securing more stuff. It’s about appreciating life fully and feeling grateful for what life is teaching you.

Can you actually feel grateful for the scarcity you experience because it’s teaching you new truths about yourself?

When I was deep in debt, knowing I was going to have to declare bankruptcy, I felt I had nothing more to lose financially, so I decided to stop feeding so much of my power to that part of my life. I’d been telling myself I couldn’t have a good life if the my financial life was broken. So I gave myself permission to feel good about the other parts of my life and not let the lack of money drag me down so much. After all, it was just a number. Why was I giving it so much power over me?

I started paying attention to what I did have, and I learned to appreciate it more deeply. I appreciated the food I was able to eat. I appreciated that I somehow still had a roof over my head. I appreciated the weather. I appreciated the ocean, the beach, and the sunrise.

I appreciate that I could breathe. I appreciated running and meditation. I appreciated my relationships. I appreciated my health.

It was in late 1998 and early 1999 that I began to do that. And 1998 was the last year I felt to be a scarce one (and perhaps the first half of 1999). After that I always seemed to have plenty. Even the money situation turned around within a year. That was my first financially positive year after 6 years as an entrepreneur. I experienced 12 more good years in a row after that.

I’m glad these events were part of my story. If I had achieved lots of good things earlier in life, I don’t think I’d appreciate them as much as I do now. Despite having a lot of good stuff in my life these days, I don’t take it for granted. The sweet stuff is sweeter because I know what bitter tastes like.

Everything you have in this world is temporary. One way or another, it will vanish from your life. If it’s physical in nature, it’s impermanent.

Earth’s resources will eventually be used up. Your human body will be used up as well. Even the Sun will eventually burn out. And it’s expected that the known universe itself will eventually end.

Loss is part of the story of life. When we lose something precious to us, we deepen our understanding of its value.

Humanity is burning through some of the earth’s scarce resources. That, by itself, is not a problem. The real problem is that we don’t properly appreciate those resources. It’s okay to pump oil out of the ground and use it. The earth doesn’t mind. But are we truly appreciating what the earth is giving to us?

Do you realize that all of the “stuff” in your life is a gift of the earth? If it’s physical in nature, it was probably made from something that was pulled out of the ground. Human creativity played its part of course, but do you realize that the raw materials of the items in your home came from the earth? You’re literally wearing pieces of the earth on your body.

Now realize that all of this is temporary. You’ll either lose it before you die or when you die.

The great story of loss is that everything in this physical reality will eventually be taken from you. Do you accept this, or do you resist it?

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Clinginess shows up in the first 4 stages, but when we get to acceptance, we finally let go and make peace with reality.

I think there are stages beyond acceptance, however, and gratitude is certainly one of them. When we can see the important role that loss plays in life, we can learn to appreciate loss itself. It’s an important part of our story. Loss helps us grow.

Without loss we’d be too likely to take the good parts of our lives for granted. They’d eventually become hollow and meaningless to us. When we lose them, however, we become intensely aware of the value we once experienced.

As we move into an abundance mindset, we recognize that the true value we experience can always be recreated. Real value isn’t scarce. We may lose a loved one, but we can experience love again.

Scarcity teaches us what true abundance means. Scarcity helps us understand what we value and what we don’t.

You may not value oil specifically, but by appreciating what oil has done, you may come to appreciate technology, and by appreciating technology, you may come to appreciate human empowerment, sharing knowledge, making new discoveries, and connecting with people.

Abundance doesn’t require unlimited physical resources. Having limitless oil or some suitable replacement won’t help us feel more abundant. It will simply lead us to take more things for granted, and we’ll under-appreciate what we have.

Abundance isn’t about having more, more, more. It’s about learning what we truly value and realizing that we can in fact create that value if we so desire.

In some ways this dream world is much smarter than our limited individual personalities. It brings us what we truly desire, even if that conflicts with what we explicitly ask for. The universe is completely and 100% on your side. You can try to make an enemy of it, but it never abandons you. It simply outsmarts you by doing an end run around your stubbornness.

To create an abundance mindset, you may need to shed a lot of false desires. You may need to stop feeding your power to what you don’t want. And you may need to start appreciating all the goodness that’s right in front of you, but you’ve been too blind to pause and appreciate it.

If you think that scarcity in the world is a bad thing, take another look. You’re seeing scarcity because you need to see it in order to grow. You need to see war in order to appreciate peace. You need to see unfairness to appreciate fairness. You need to see disease to appreciate health. If you didn’t need to learn these lessons, you wouldn’t keep summoning scarcity as your teacher.

Don’t close your eyes to the scarcity you perceive. Let it sink in fully. Feel the sense of lack. And when you’ve learned the lesson you need to learn from it, withdraw your power from it, and use it to create the abundance you desire.

Aligning yourself with abundance is the same thing as aligning yourself with happiness.

There are many false roadsigns to happiness in this world. Most of them lead to dead ends.

Material wealth is one example. If you think that having “more” will lead to happiness, go ahead and try it. You may learn this lesson by gaining more and still feeling unhappy, or you may learn it by failing to reach the level of more that you desire. Eventually you’ll become so frustrated that you decide to explore a different path.

I put some energy into improving my finances, but I didn’t feel happier or more abundant when I achieved those goals. What gave me the greatest feeling of happiness was taking time to appreciate the good things in my life. The interesting part is that this had nothing to do with the things. It had everything to do with how I was using my power.

I learned that it makes no difference what my finances are doing. They can go up or down, and it doesn’t affect my happiness. I always have the ability to feel grateful. Sometimes I feel more grateful when I have less vs. when I have more.

One of the reasons I placed my work into the public domain and no longer copyright it is that I realized that owning a lot of intellectual property doesn’t make me any happier than when I owned none. When I tried feeling grateful for it, I realized it wasn’t the ownership that mattered to me. Nor was it the body of work that I created in the past. I discovered the deeper truth that I’m grateful for the opportunity to express myself creatively. I’m grateful for the ability to connect with people around the world. I’m grateful for the chance to learn and grow.

I don’t need to make more money or acquire more prestige or gain more web traffic in order to be happier. I can be happy simply expressing my creativity. Certain tools like a computer and the Internet help me do that, and I’m grateful for them as well, but if they were all stripped from me, I could still express my creativity with sticks and stones. Even if I ended up paralyzed, I could build new creations within my mind, and I could still feel grateful for the ability to do that.

However, I’ve noticed that the more I remember these lessons, the less often scarcity shows up in my life as a personal teacher. I’m getting better at making choices with respect to happiness as opposed to making choice on the basis of more. I pass up obvious avenues for advancement in my business if I don’t think they’ll increase my happiness, even if they might increase my income. From an entrepreneurial perspective, it may appear that I run my business strangely, but I run it happily.

The existence of scarcity in the world helps us identify and discard the false paths that won’t give us a true sense of abundance.

I believe that a true abundance mindset isn’t about how much stuff you can acquire. I think it’s about realizing how little you need to create happiness. Could you lose all your stuff and still feel grateful? Can you still use your power to create the experience of caring, generosity, and happiness even in the presence of lack?

I also think that life stops hammering us with certain lessons once we learn them. My money problems didn’t go away because I became aggressive about making more money. They stopped arising when I let go of my fear of not having money and when I stopped empowering the belief that I couldn’t have a good life without money.

What helped me most was thinking about what my life would be like if I actually became homeless. I could live on the beach and sleep under the stars each night. I could work on my social skills. I could learn to get better at drawing. I’d have lots of freedom. I could learn new languages from bilingual homeless people. I could go to libraries and read. I could meditate and go running each day. I could write a book about the experience. I could even do volunteer work to help people. I soon realized that even if I had no money at all, I could still live a pretty cool life. It was within my power to do so.

Once I realized that my money situation absolutely did not have the power to sentence me to a miserable life and that in fact, I could still lead an interesting and fulfilling life no matter what, my whole being lightened up. It seemed as if reality said to me, “Ok, great… it took years, but you finally got that lesson. Now let’s move on to these other lessons over here.” There was no more need for major scarcity to keep arising for me in this particular area since I learned what I needed to learn.

An expanded version of this lesson that I’ve been learning recently is that I don’t need non-physical property either. I don’t need to own anything at all to be happy. I think I’m going to enjoy writing without the burden of ownership. The creative part is what I enjoy most. I don’t need to own what I create.

I don’t presently consider myself a proponent of the sustainability movement though. I think there are more beneficial growth lessons to be learned from cycles of excess and scarcity than there are from long-term sustainability.

If my own life had been more balanced, I doubt I’d have learned as much as I did. I think it would be boring and depressing to live as many animals in nature do, so I wouldn’t use that as my model of environmental harmony. I think there are good reasons humans create such huge imbalances — and why we have the capacity to continue doing so. These imbalances provide us with amazing growth lessons, teaching how to expand our power and our wisdom simultaneously.

Some would say that today our power has gotten ahead of our wisdom. I tend to agree. This, however, motivates us to increase our wisdom. When our wisdom pulls ahead, there will be a stronger drive to increase our power.

On a deeper level, I see this as the balance between Truth, Love, and Power. These are the primary ways in which we experience growth, and all three have the capacity to expand.

When Truth gets too far ahead, then we have theories we cannot test and grand ideas we cannot implement. This motivates us to come together and collaborate (Love) in order to achieve new breakthroughs (Power).

When Love gets too far ahead, we connect to such a degree that we begin to lose our individual will and drive. We stagnate and do the same things day after day. You may see this kind of imbalance arising in your life if you spend tons of time socializing online. Eventually you begin to feel empty inside, like you’re just spinning your wheels. This negative feeling can’t be resolved by throwing more socialization at it. To correct this imbalance, you need to incorporate more learning (Truth) and creative projects (Power) into your life.

When Power gets too far ahead, we abuse ourselves. We get good at creating what we don’t want, so we create a lot of it. This motivates us to pay more attention to our relationships (Love) and to listen to our true desires (Truth).

If we truly appreciate a natural resource, we’ll be motivated to find ways to use it efficiently to create good value for ourselves. If we don’t appreciate a certain resource, we may push it to the point of extinction and then deal with its absence afterwards.

How many of the now extinct species did we appreciate? Do you miss them, or are you okay living without them?

Is oil a resource that you truly appreciate, or is it one you’d be okay living without? Do you feel grateful for all that oil has added to your life? Do you hate it and want to see it go away? How does the unfolding story of earth reflect your feelings in this area? How does it give you new insights into what you value most?

For me the lesson of oil has to do with prioritizing my values. Using oil has consequences, some of which I perceive as negative and some as positive. Which of those consequences am I willing to accept? Which am I not willing to accept? And what does this tell me about my values? I learn a lot about myself by witnessing the story of oil unfolding in my reality. It’s a wonderful teacher.

The story of earth is taking us through some interesting lessons these days. When faced with these lessons, we have a choice. We can choose to resist them, in which case we’ll feed more power to them and see them expand. Or we can choose to learn these lessons now, which gives us a chance to move on to new lessons.

If you don’t appreciate something in your life, then why is it there? It’s there because you keep feeding your power to it. You keep noticing it and paying attention to it. If you didn’t do that, then for all practical purposes, it would be invisible to you.

The reason you’re creating this drama is so that you can have a growth experience. It is there to teach you something important, such as what you truly value. You’ll keep creating this drama in different forms until you’re able to learn the lesson behind the drama. That lesson will ultimately take you to a deeper level of Truth.

If you try to shortcut these lessons, your solutions will never last. The deeper part of your being — the part that wants to grow — will simply keep manifesting the lessons as new dramas in your reality. You create with your whole being, not just with your thoughts or feelings.

Some people are currently experiencing interesting and dramatic lessons with respect to unemployment. Many didn’t appreciate the jobs they once had and which are now gone. Now they are job-free, and some don’t appreciate that either. They may finally get a new job, and they may dislike that too. They’ll continue to live out such cycles until they realize that the common element in all this scarcity isn’t the presence or lack of a job. It’s their ongoing lack of appreciation.

If you were looking to employ people, and someone came to you for an interview, and you sensed they didn’t appreciate their previous employer, and they didn’t appreciate what they learned from unemployment, and they probably weren’t going to appreciate the job you could give them, would you hire them? If you were going to hire someone, wouldn’t you choose someone that would truly appreciate what you can offer? Wouldn’t you favor someone with a record of appreciating their previous work history as well? Would you rather work with an appreciative person or with an unappreciative one? What would you want if you were the employer?

What kind of employer would hire an unappreciative employee? Perhaps an employer who’s desperate, ignorant, or self-punishing would do so. Is that the kind of person you’d want as your boss? Are you likely to enjoy that job?

My career life turned around when I learned to appreciate the value of work itself. I realized that the value I get from work isn’t about how much I get paid or who hires me. It’s about the opportunity to express myself creatively. Once I realized that, I always enjoyed my work.  I feel grateful that I get to create something that didn’t exist before. I also realized that being creative is more important to me than a steady paycheck. I’m glad that life brought me experiences to teach me this lesson, even though they were difficult to learn.

Can we enjoy abundance in a world of scarce resources? Of course we can. Scarcity is one of our best teachers. It steers us away from false paths and teaches us what real abundance means to us. We don’t need more money or success or iStuff to be happy. We can choose to feel grateful for what we value most, and through that feeling of gratitude, we can empower its expansion.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 19th, 2010 at 3:03 pm and is filed under Balance, Wealth & Money. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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One Year After Separation

Erin and I have now been separated for more than a year after deciding in Oct 2009 not to continue as husband and wife. In this post I want to share some thoughts on what that first post-separation year has been like (after 15 years together as a couple, 11 of them married). It’s my hope that this may help someone who’s considering a similar relationship transition.

While the initial separation involved some stress and uncertainty for both of us, the picture so far has turned out pretty well. Erin and I remain good friends to this day, and we continue to connect on many levels.

The first and most immediate aspect of the separation involved the practical matter of separating our households and living in two different homes. I know our situation wasn’t typical in this case. We had some significant advantages that made this part easier for us than it might be for most people. We already owned a second house that was vacant, and we had the finances to support two households and to furnish the second home.

So this part was mainly a matter of separating a bunch of physical items and then spending money to fill in the gaps. Erin bought a bunch of furniture, and I bought a second car for myself.

Some of those gaps are still there a year later, however. My house has some empty rooms that I haven’t bothered to furnish since I now have an excess of space. But all things considered, this is a minor problem, and there’s no urgent need to address it.

The crashing housing market in Vegas somewhat limits our options though. With the massive decline in real estate values, it would be difficult for either of us to justify moving at this time. But despite the increase in expenses from going to two households, we haven’t had any problem keeping up with bills and such. Our situation is stable. In fact, my web traffic increased this year because my business model adapts well to a down economy — it means more people looking for free content, and this site has tons of that.

We haven’t bothered to separate our finances yet, so everything there is still pooled. We’ve agreed to tackle this in the coming months, and I’d love to have that figured out by the end of the year, partly for tax and accounting reasons, but I suspect it will be challenging to work through all the little details since our career and financial lives are so interconnected.

The trickiest part is that most of Erin’s web traffic still originates from my site, so if I take down some of those links and develop my site differently, it could hurt her business, at least in the short run. And that in turn hurts us both. Eventually I’d like to develop my website in a more independent direction, but we need a good way of resolving the effect on Erin’s business.

I think it made sense for us to table this part of the separation until later though. When we first separated, the bigger issue was navigating the social and emotional transition. After that, Erin and I needed the chance to explore some alternative career possibilities. In what capacity might we continue working together? And where would it make more sense to work separately as individuals?

For example, Erin has developed her own professional intuitive training program, which is going very well. I’m not involved in that part of her work at all. Nor does she get involved in any joint-venture deals that I do.

On the collaborative side, this past weekend we delivered our 5th Conscious Growth Workshop along with a staff of several helpers, and it went incredibly well. I feel it was the best one ever, and the feedback from attendees has been wonderfully positive. Erin and I still seem to work well together in that capacity, and it’s a rewarding experience for us both. But now that we have no upcoming workshops scheduled, it’s time to make some decisions about whether we’ll continue to work together in this area. It seems likely that if we do more workshops, Erin will step away from handling the logistics, and I’d need to hire someone else to fill that role. It would make more sense for Erin to be involved in the content and delivery side of certain aspects… or to do her own workshops.

Since we’ve never gone through such a process of separation before, there’s a lot of experimenting and feeling things out. Cutting our career and financial ties abruptly would have been unnecessarily painful and difficult for us both. I like that we continued working together by default while giving ourselves the space to explore and experiment and ponder possibilities as individuals. It allowed us to transition at a reasonable pace without stressing ourselves out.

Since neither Erin nor I are money-centered people and since we both tend to be financially conservative relative to our income, it hasn’t been a big deal who spends what amounts of money on themselves, unless it would be something that costs maybe $5K or more. If she wants to buy some nice clothes for herself with joint funds, I really don’t care. I have enough of a sense of abundance that I know there’s plenty of money and opportunities for us both. We’ve both done a good job of keeping the income coming in this past year.

If we had been at each others’ throats, it would have made sense to cut our financial ties sooner, but I’m happy with how things played out during the past year. There’s still a lot of work to be done here, but the only deadlines that matter are the ones we set for ourselves.

I do feel a little constrained though since I know our finances are still pooled. I think it will be nice for both of us when we finally separate our personal finances, so we’re no longer so accountable to each other for personal spending. That may take some getting used to after so many years with joint finances.

A big part of our separation involved changing how we relate to each other. That adjustment is still ongoing, but I’d say the main part of it played out within the first 3 months.

Erin and I both moved on with other partners, both sexually and emotionally, within a few months after we separated. That helped to energetically clear a part of our connection, making it easier to transition our primary connection from marriage to friendship. I’m grateful that this played out the way it did, not just for me but for Erin as well.

I put some intentional energy into this by visualizing new connections I wanted to experience, and the Law of Attraction worked as expected. When thoughts of resentment came up, I brushed them aside and said to myself, “Forget about that. What do you want to experience next?” That gave me a new sense of possibility instead of looking backwards to the past.

I didn’t just imagine happy outcomes for myself; I imagined a positive future for Erin as well. I still care about her and want her to be happy too. It certainly doesn’t do me any good if she’s unhappy, nor is it good for our kids. I honestly believe this transition is a positive step forward for both of us. Making that a reality, however, requires using our power constructively.

For me the best part of connecting with someone else was the extra validation it provided. First, the chance to connect with someone who was more compatible in certain dimensions quickly validated that the decision to separate was the right one. I didn’t feel I needed that kind of validation, but it was nice to have it anyway. Second, there was the validation that yes, love is abundant and there’s no scarcity in this area if I keep my heart open to new connections. After 15 years with the same primary partner, I found it rewarding to attract a new partner, to enjoy fresh experiences together, and to share lots of love.

I think that if I went through this whole adjustment process on my own, it would have been much more difficult. I’m very grateful for the way this aspect of the past year played out — and for the great friends who helped me along the way too.

Labels can’t really describe how Erin and I relate to each other these days, but I like to think of her as a part of my “spiritual family.” Ultimately I know that our connection will continue to evolve.

I didn’t feel any jealousy or attachment knowing that Erin connected with someone else. What I felt most was relieved. It was as if a cord had been cut, but in a gentle and nonviolent way. I want things to go well for her, but since I don’t have as much direct influence in that area anymore, this is a situation where I mainly have to let go and trust. However, Erin and I still watch each other’s backs in the relationship area. If either of us got involved with someone who seemed a poor match, we could trust that the other would speak up. In this manner we continue to help each other stay aligned with truth.

As Erin will admit, she has a tendency to downplay her power. It’s been gratifying to see her step more into her power as an individual this past year, as opposed to relying on mine. She’s becoming more confident, which I’m happy to see. Others have noticed this too.

On the flip side, I’ve had to do more to focus on my alignment with oneness and harmony instead of drawing so much from her in that area. It’s been an adjustment process, and I feel good about how I’m doing in this area so far. So in this vein, it’s nice to see that Erin and I are each locking in some of the gains we got from each other.

Since Erin and I had many mutual friends at the time we separated, this part of the adjustment was a bit strange.

Once our friends and family had a chance to digest the initial separation, they were very supportive overall. This made things easier on Erin and me emotionally.

However, as time went on, I noticed that because Erin and I spent much less time together as a couple, our social circles began to divide somewhat. There’s still a lot of overlap but not nearly as much as there was a year ago.

Partly this is because I decided to drop Toastmasters in the Spring, while Erin stayed on as President of our club. So I naturally drifted apart from many of my Toastmaster friends when I stopped going to the meetings. On the other side, I developed closer connections with different mutual friends, while Erin’s connections with them began to drift. Also, Erin and I both cultivated some new connections as individuals.

This separation of our social circles has been pretty gradual, so it wasn’t a big shock. I expect it will become more pronounced in the years ahead as we continue to forge new connections as individuals.

I rather like this part of the transition because I feel I have more control over my social life now. I no longer feel obligated to accept social obligations that arise from being part of a couple. I can also connect as much as I want with people and situations that Erin may have avoided.

On the other hand, I also feel more responsible for managing my social life deliberately because I can’t passively rely on Erin to handle that part of our lives for me.

We still have some overlap in our social lives, but I think we both feel freer to decline invites that don’t interest us. For example, last night we had a poker game at my house with some CGWers who were still in town. If I hadn’t wanted to play poker that night but Erin did, she could have hosted it at her house without me.

Earlier this week, I went zip-lining with some CGWers in downtown Vegas, an activity I can’t imagine Erin doing. That same day Erin went hiking in Red Rock Canyon with a different group. While we could have pursued our separate interests like this while married, most of the time we didn’t. We gave too much power away to a disempowering concept of marriage, expecting that we should do a lot of things together (or skip them entirely if one of us objected). It’s nice to be free of those expectations and to feel good about saying yes or no as individuals.

I still feel I have a lot of work to do in the social area though. For most of the past year, I’ve reacted to what’s come up, but I haven’t been as proactive about seeking out compatible new connections. That’s partly due to the fact that I have a high enough flow of social invites that I can enjoy an active social life without having to be very proactive. I always have the ability to rest on my laurels and simply respond to the invites that come my way, and I know there will always be plenty of them. But I know I can enjoy a better social life if I consciously decide what I want and take action to make it happen, instead of just reacting to the chaotic social soup around me.

The family adjustment has probably been the most difficult part, and I haven’t been satisfied with the status quo here.

After we separated, we fell into a temporarily stable situation by default, but it’s unbalanced. This is an area where we need to work out a more conscious long-term solution. I think that may be tricky though since Erin and I don’t seem to want the same things in this area. Our family values are quite different.

Since the kids moved with Erin when we separated, she’s spent way more time with them than I have during the past year, and the four of us haven’t spent very much time together as a family.

I can’t say we deliberately decided that things would play out this way. I think things stabilized this way because of the difference in our family values and the priorities we set for ourselves after separating.

Erin grew up with a close, loving Jewish family that included a twin sister. To this day she remains close to her family and connects with them often. I can tell that having a close family is very important to her. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she gets married again. She seems to have a strong nesting instinct.

For me that kind of family situation would be stifling. I don’t place a high value on security and stability. I love taking risks, and I’m drawn to new experiences and adventure. I feel best about my life when I’m pushing myself in the courage and power areas. If I don’t feel adequately challenged, I become bored and restless.

Throughout our relationship, I avoided, rejected, and resisted family get-togethers if I felt I wouldn’t enjoy them. I largely saw them as pointless, time-wasting fluff. Erin offered up similar resistance to some of my more adventurous ideas — she rarely rejected them outright, but her lack of enthusiasm was obvious, so it often felt like pushing through Jell-O to make certain things happen, so in the end I dropped a lot of things I previously loved.

For example, while living in L.A. before I met Erin, I might have an idea like, “It would be fun to take off to Vegas for a few days.” If it was 10pm when I got the idea, I could be on the road by midnight. I’d get there around 4am, and I’d play blackjack (counting cards) for a few hours till I made enough to get a hotel room.

While you could say that this kind of impulsivity is fine for a single 20-something but inappropriate for a man in his late 30s with a wife and two kids, keep in mind that the majority of the articles on this website were created with that same type of energy. I often go from inspired idea to published article within a matter of hours; when I get a good idea, I don’t hesitate. This aspect of my personality, while it may seem a bit unstable, has yielded many positive benefits too, not just for myself but for thousands of others. I feel I can do more good if I flow with this energy even more than I’ve been doing. But this also makes me seem, at least from a traditional societal perspective, like I’d be a pretty irregular father.

During our marriage Erin and I settled into a bunch of compromises to appease each other, but it wasn’t what either of us really wanted. I think there’s simply too big a gulf in our values for us to be compatible in this area.

My early experiences of family led me to much different values than Erin. My Catholic upbringing led me to associate things like control, conformity, denial, darkness, and unhappiness to the concept of a close nuclear family. I became much happier after I moved out. I grew to place a high value on independence and the freedom to make my own choices. I learned to create my own social support instead of trying in vain to feel supported by blood connections whose beliefs said I was doomed as a non-Christian.

Erin, however, wouldn’t feel very secure with the sort of independence that I thrive on. For her it would likely feel too stressful and ungrounded. For me it’s exciting and rewarding to be put into a position where I must think on my feet in real time.

We’ve both made many shifts to move away from the biases in our upbringing, but there still remains a pretty significant compatibility gap there. In my opinion, this makes a traditional co-parenting arrangement unlikely to work for us (if such a thing can be called traditional).

Erin and I each have different views of parenting in general, so our parenting styles will simply not be the same. It’s safe to say that our ongoing influences on the kids will be rather unique and different. Throughout our relationship, that’s always been the case. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it could be of great advantage to our kids.

Many readers of mine have pointed out that I haven’t really written anything about parenting. That’s not an oversight on my part — it’s deliberate. I personally feel that parenting advice is largely B.S. For each parenting book you’ll find that pushes one parenting philosophy, you’ll find another book suggesting the opposite. And sometimes those books are written by the same “expert,” published years apart. Such parenting advice largely involves people sharing subjective values with very limited experience, and it’s often bad advice in my opinion.

The bigger issue, however, is that what’s actually been measured with respect to how children turn out has little to do with what we’d classify under the label of parenting. The biggest influencers are actually who the parents are, rather than what they do. Specifically, this includes the parents’ socio-economic class, their level of education, and how old the mother was when she had her first child. Factors like whether parents read to their kids frequently or whether the kids are spanked or not seem to make little measurable difference in how the kids turn out, at least to the extent that this has actually been measured.

In other words, parenting has much more to do with who you are — with your own level of self-development — as opposed to what specific actions you take in terms of raising your kids. The bulk of your parenting success is determined before the pregnancy even occurs.

Initially when Erin and I look at this situation, it seems like we might have to compromise. But I don’t see that being a solution that would make either of us happy. I suspect that our ultimate long-term solution will look very non-traditional, but I think it has the potential to be great for everyone, especially the kids.

Erin has the capacity to provide a stable, nurturing environment for the kids. I have the capacity to bring some kick-ass growth experiences into their lives. I can already see that my kids have aspects of my personality that I can nurture in ways Erin simply won’t be able to do. And of course the reverse is true as well.

While the kids are still fairly young (currently ages 10 and 7), Erin may play a bigger role in their lives. However, as they become teenagers, I think it would be awesome to travel around the world with them and give them a real education as opposed to having them sit in a classroom and read about things they could be seeing and touching.

I think this is going to take a lot of experimentation to figure out what works best for us. Ultimately we’re going to have to craft our own unique version of a family. It’s too soon to tell where this will lead, but I’m confident we can work things out.

Deep down, I value what Erin does for the kids. And I believe she values what I can do for them as well. However, I think both of us still harbor some resentment towards each other in this area, and we need to work through that first before we can move forward. Partly I’m disappointed that Erin isn’t the Adventure Mom I wish she could have been, and I suspect that she’s still coming to grips with the fact that I’m not the Jewish Family Guy. Until we can really let go and forgive in this area, not just superficially but at the level of true acceptance, it will be difficult for us to move forward because we’ll keep hoping for the other person to “get with the program.”

I think our family situation will improve greatly once Erin and I figure out how to share our best selves with them in our own unique ways, even if those selves don’t mesh well within the same household.

A big part of separation is having the chance to write some new chapters in one’s life story as an independent author instead of co-writing everything as a couple.

This is an area where I felt very held back in my marriage. It was such a freeing experience to finally explore things I wanted to do that were perpetually on the back burner.

The biggest deal for me lifestyle-wise was traveling. I love to travel, but since Erin isn’t a particularly resilient traveler (she’ll readily admit to being very particular in this area), I didn’t travel nearly as much as I’d wanted to. For so many years, this was a bottled-up desire.

I had the option of traveling alone of course, but I really wanted to travel with an intimate partner. I love the shared experience aspect of traveling, and for me it’s almost an essential part of an intimate relationship. Traveling together adds some delicious intensity. And I honestly love the romantic aspect of exploring a new city with someone, eating new foods together, strolling through interesting museums, etc.

It was clear that Erin wouldn’t fill that role with me. If Erin were to travel the way I enjoyed, it would be too stressful and overwhelming for her. We just have very different tolerances in this area.

So this year I made it a priority to explore this part of my life. I spent about 9-10 weeks out of this year traveling so far, including a weeklong trip to Puerto Rico, 3 weeks in Canada (Ontario and Quebec), and a 23-day road trip through 9 U.S. states and 2 Canadian provinces. I also spent many days in Hollywood, Costa Mesa, and Santa Fe.

I loved all of it! It felt like a stifled part of my spirit finally had the chance to escape its cage. I expect to do even more traveling in the years ahead, especially internationally. Europe is definitely in my sights. But before I go too far in that direction, it makes sense to work through the financial separation with Erin. This year was just a taste, but it was enough of a taste for me to know that this is the right path for me. Ideally I’d like to spend at least 3 months out of the year traveling.

There was a little bit of resistance from some people who felt it was irresponsible for me to spend so much time traveling with my new girlfriend, but this was so obviously part of my “path with a heart” that I couldn’t take their objections seriously. They’re simply filtering my experience through their own values. I have no regrets about exploring this part of my life. It’s been long overdue.

Erin has also felt free to explore paths that I never would have gone along with. At first my reaction was a bit judgmental, but then I realized that she’s her own person, and it just gave me further validation that separating was the best thing for us both. I’m glad she felt comfortable going her own way and being able to tell me about it. Even so, we probably still have some unreasonable expectations of each other that we need to release and forgive. I think we’re doing pretty well in this area so far.

I expect that as time goes on, our paths will diverge much more than they have already. It will take time for our individual values to grow stronger and to express themselves more fully. Partly this is because we still have some factors, like our joint finances, acting as a drag.

A number of people have asked me if I’ve been monogamous or polyamorous lately. I think the most honest answer is that I enjoy aspects of both. Using either label feels too limiting. It’s really a matter of perspective. This is an area where I’ve had to abandon the labels and simply follow my heart.

Rachelle has been my primary intimate partner during this year. We’ve agreed to maintain an open relationship, but in practice we don’t exercise that option too frequently. We’re both pretty selective, and we don’t consider ourselves promiscuous, but when a fun opportunity presents itself, we enjoy playing with others too.

I like the intimacy and depth of a long-term, one-on-one relationship. That kind of connection can provide lots of joy and growth for both partners, so it feels wonderful to have it as part of my life.

I also enjoy the variety and spiClick Here!">ciness of connecting with multiple partners, as long as they’re the right partners who are willing to co-create a sensual experience within a space of unconditional love, non-judgment, and playfulness. I don’t think I’d want to have a threesome every week, but every once in a while with the right person, it’s a welcome exploration.

I could have done more in this part of my life this year, but I largely played it safe. Adjusting to the separation made my life complicated enough. I didn’t want to complicate things further by trying to take on too much. So anything that seemed iffy or not quite right, even though it might have led to some fun growth experiences, I largely avoided. In the future I may take more risks in this area, but for now I’m happy to look back on some fun shared experiences that were good for all involved… and no broken hearts.

After reading the above, some people would say that I want to have my cake and eat it too. They’d be right.

I do indeed want the best of both worlds — the depth that comes from real intimacy and the variety of multiple partners. I see no reason those should be in conflict, as long as I continue to attract people with a similar mindset. So far this is going well, and I expect that it will keep getting better as I keep stretching.

To reach this point, I had to do a lot of introspecting about what I wanted. Then I had to acknowledge that it was indeed possible. And then I had to cast off a lot of socially conditioned baggage in my beliefs about what a proper relationship is supposed to look like. The real truth of course is that we can create whatever we desire in our hearts.

I’m sure I still have some baggage to release in this area, but it’s nice to see that the people I’ve been attracting into my life this year have been helping to expose areas where I’m still holding back — and gently, sometimes teasingly, nudging me forward. For me this has been a fun adventure.

After separating from Erin, I had a much better idea of what I didn’t want as opposed to what I did want in terms of new relationships. So I actually set an intention to attract something fresh and new instead of trying to lock down all the specifics. Having a particular relationship structure wasn’t as important to me as attracting a compatible, open-minded partner who was willing to explore and experiment.

One of the reasons I was drawn to a relationship with Rachelle was that it was guaranteed to be something new and different. Since her home base is in Winnipeg, Canada, about 1300 miles away from Las Vegas, I could predict from the start that there would be some unique challenges and opportunities if we got involved. That has definitely been the case.

Our relationship has been very loving but also pretty intense at times. We’ve traveled to more than a dozen cities together this year, but we’ve also spent about half the year apart from each other. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve hugged goodbye at airports (and it’s about to happen again in a few more hours), but that just makes the reunions so much sweeter.

At certain times when Rachelle and I have been apart for a few weeks, I could even have claimed to be celibate. This long-distance element has given me the opportunity to explore a new relationship while also having plenty of space to rediscover myself as an individual. As strange as it may look from the outside, it was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.

If I’d gone straight into a full-time relationship with someone local to me, I’d probably have felt stifled, like I didn’t have enough time to reconnect with myself as an individual. But if I’d kept to myself for 6-12 months, I’d have felt lonely and disconnected.

I wanted to explore both aspects, and instead of having to choose between them, I got both. I’ve had the space to get to know myself as an individual who isn’t part of a couple. But I’ve also been enjoying a close, intimate, loving connection. I’m grateful that such a perfect, personalized solution manifested so readily.

If I had to give us an annual report card, I’d give myself and Erin an A for how we’ve handled our separation thus far. We still have more to do, but deep down we still love and care about each other, and things have a way of working out well for us both when we act from that place.

Our separation has pushed us both to grow in new and different ways. It’s safe to say that we’re both better off today than we would have been if we’d stayed together as a married couple. I think everything played out as it needed to, and I have no real regrets about it.

It’s hard to predict the road ahead. I can’t say for certain where our paths will lead next. But for right now, I’m okay being in that space of possibility and potential. I don’t feel a need to lock down all the details for a greater sense of security. I feel much more secure when I’m actively exploring and learning as opposed to when I think I have everything figured out.

I don’t regret being married. I think it’s a good thing that I was married and that I had kids. I also think it’s a good thing that I’ve been going through a separation. This journey helps me understand human relationships from different perspectives, which makes it easier for me to personally relate to other people’s relationship challenges and to potentially share insights that others may find helpful and practical.

Looking back on the past year, what I feel most of all is gratitude. I’m grateful not only for how things turned out but also for all the growth experiences that Erin and I shared together as a couple. We really learned a lot from each other, and we emerged from our marriage with a lot of self-development under our belts that now serves us well as individuals.

As many people say after they go through a separation, “It was hard, but it was worth it.” Making the decision to separate was indeed very difficult, but it was such an important step to take. I don’t see blame or regret or failure as I look back. I see lots of cool memories and positive lessons. And when I look forward, I see heart-centered connection, exploration, and adventure.

Update 11/8/10: Erin just posted an article about this subject too if you’d like to read her side of the story.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 5th, 2010 at 6:30 pm and is filed under Balance, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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